sometimes you win some....

okay so today i am going to open up to you.
i have been struggling with my weight. for a long time. i know a lot of you have as well.
mine stems from being pregnant. i gained so much with my daughter then got pregnant with my son so quick i never got back and it just seemed to stick.

but wait...it started sooner than that...i guess i should go back to the beginning.....

growing up i was a ballerina. have i said that here?
and i not talking i just took lessons.
i took lessons EVERY DAY. 4 - 5 hours a day about.
and on saturdays.
i was committed. it was my life. it was all i knew.

the year i turned 10 {technically i was 9} i auditioned for the royal winnepeg ballet and the toronto national ballet summer schools. usually you audition for both, hoping you get into one.
i got into both. i got to choose.
i was the only one from my school to do so. actually i was the only one from my year to get in anywhere that summer.
but that really didn't matter.
i was still put at the back of the class because i wasn't pretty enough or perfect enough. little things that yes - 8, 9 and 10 years old's - notice and absorb.
i ended up choosing the royal winnepeg, went for the summer, was asked to stay for the three year boarding school program - i declined the offer to stay...i was only 10 at the time.....

i loved my time as a ballerina - loved it! - but i think this is where my sense of i'm-never-good-enough stems from. i know it's where. and that stinks.

no one talked about bullying back then. about being nice no matter what. those days ballerinas were tough.
they were mean.
i never felt like i fit in but it was my passion.
and the teachers were too. i was told many times at the age of 12 that i was more over-weight than the others and to fix it. i really wasn't. i was taller and had broader shoulders, that's about it.

this stuck with me. i have carried it for a long time.
i realize now this is why i am SO hard on myself. i strive soooo hard for perfection because i feel anything less is failure. i have yo-yo'd with my weight and self image for a while now, falling into all the stereo-typical pot holes - striving to be sooo skinny to fit in {because all my friends were shorter than me and typically smaller but 16, 17 year old don't clue into that}, being in a relationship and letting yourself go, being almost out of the relationship so you go to extreme's again, trying fad diets, being so happy with one's situation that who cares, being pregnant and liberated {maybe a little too much! ha!} then being so exhausted that you don't care. that's when i woke up.

i decided this summer - enough was enough.
i decided that 36 was going to be a shinnier version of me.
i decided i really didn't like that number staring back at me.
i realized that problem all along was me. my decisions. my choices. no one else was to blame.
i am so glad i realized all this!
that was 3 months and 14 pounds ago.

that's the best part....i have seen results.
{i now really wished i had taken a before and after photo.}

i feel better. i look better. the changes in my choices have been minimal but rewarding.
do-able, not challenging.
i also feel better about myself. i feel like i have found my balance.
merry christmas to me.

:)

see i have this friend and she is pretty cool. then she went and wrote a book for kids about bullying and that makes her a rockstar.

sorry for the long title but when i tried to think up alternatives nothing said it better.
because it's all true.

three and half years ago we moved to this little french town, {which i know i have told you multiple times already....} and after three weeks of unpacking tony declared a day off and we all trecked down to our local cinema and saw shreck 4 together as a family. {they still had the english version for a couple more weeks! happy about this.} anyways after the movie was over the kids wanted to play in the dreaded "kid zone" - not like going to the movies with a family of four isn't expensive enough!! - so we let them and we lingered. all of  sudden tony looked at me and said, "hey those two women are talking english...go and talk to them." so i did.
that's how i met vicki.

she was so nice to me, answered all my questions, took my email to really get me some good neighbourhood info, hooked us up with a local softball team, recommended which school we should send aydan too AND invited us to her daughter's birthday party the following weekend. i did everything in my power not to shatter into a pool of tears and gratefulness right then and there.

fast forward three years and a lasting friendship and we have right now. cause now is the time to celebrate - she wrote a book and it's in print. Dear Bully of Mine.

and you know what: it's a really great book!! it's awesome!!

she wrote a book about bullying in time when we all have to stand up and shout at the top of our lungs enough is enough.
we all have to rally together and say you are good enough.
you are great.
you are fantastic.
be who you are.
you are loved.

we need to stop saying boys will be boys, they are just being teenagers, no harm done. well harm is being done. kids are hurting themselves over this.
we are not raising kids here, people - we are raising adults. is this who you want them to be?

want to know my most favorite thing about this book? besides the fact that she asked me to take that picture up there of her for the cover!! - is that my daughter loves it. she is at that critical age where things are starting to matter, cliques are being formed and actions might be starting to hurt. i want her to take these words from these pages and use them in her life. words that will help her to know that she does have self worth and so does that other girl across the hall.
treat others as you want to be treated.

we talk about this a lot in our house. difference. how someone might be different that you - in looks, behaviour, style - and that's okay because - to quote cooper, which brought a lump to my throat - "we are all people, right mom?"

right, honey.


get this book.
read this book WITH your kids.
discuss this book.
celebrate this book.


Dear Bully of Mine can be found through the Domnizelles Publications, through Amazon.ca for kindle or Amazon.com as well. also check your local stores!

photo of vicki courtesy of me.
photo of book courtesy of domnizelles publications.

our week.

this week seemed to have flown by but yet it was jam packed with goodness.

i'm going to start talking about a week ago friday cause that's just how it is.
around these parts that day is known as Terry Fox day. We all help in finishing his dream and running to find a cure for cancer. and run these kids did! they had to go around and around the field collecting stamps along the way to track their progress. it was supposed to be a stamp a lap but then it became about how many stamps you could get in a lap and then it was just fun. they got sweaty and exhausted and had a grasp on the cause and that's all that matters! what a fun day and it was the first day that i have EVER been able to volunteer at my kids school and they were so excited about that.

last weekend tony had to work all weekend so the kids and me decided it was high time to go apple picking. after that day i will only ever go on week days thank you very much!

holy smokes there were a lot of people there!!! wowzers! we were planning to meet friends rom the city there but that never happened. they got caught in the traffic coming out and decided to head deeper into the country than where we were and since i don't have a cell phone...yes i know, just call me mrs. brady!...we missed hooking up with them there. the place was a zoo! since i don't get the montreal paper i was not privy to the fact that this was the big weekend for that particular ochard and they had been advertizing like gangbusters. after the THIRD tour bus showed up i started to clue in.
and then the sun came out - boy did it come out! it was unbelievably hot! like july hot.
after finally giving up waiting - and after the kids exhausted the fun the playground could offer -  we went and picked our apples.

it took all of 15 minutes. really?
thursday's after school now sound like a good idea to me......we left a little grumpy and miserable but we had our 20lbs of apples that no one is going to eat and we did get to stop by a favorite veggie stand on the way home so not all was lost...just look at those pumpkins!

then we had picture day on monday - which of course i forgot to take a picture of - and we were late so i drove them to school and took them in for some strange reason...which i never do....and was accosted by the other mother volunteers to help out. so i did. so fun!

i took time this week to work on our week in the life album as well which i will be sharing shortly. i am so excited that i got right down to it and completed the picture part all thanks to our new printer and the fact that i was trying out a new photo filter program that i have heard great things about, Rad Lab - free 14 day trial - and am hooked and hopefully i can get it.
loved how it lightened and sharpened the photo's with just a click.

also i am trying to make more of an effort for play dates. i remember going over to friends houses during the week and loving it. since i am home for right now {not for long i hope!} i have decided to embrace that. they both had a friend over last week and loved it...again void of any photo!! aarrgghh.

but...

i did download my camera and find these gems in there. these, my friends, are hidden treasures.

aydan took these and her explanation for it was - well this is an outside set so i had to take her pictures outside.
of course.

friday afternoon we went to target to go birthday party shopping and treat ourselves to a starbucks - that will put a smile on anyones face!

this weekend was full of swimming lessons {they are doing so well.}, running into friends at the pool, walks, bike rides, yard work, another birthday party {number 3 in our 6 rotation. two more this coming weekend and one more the following week....then who knows!}, groceries, friday night home movie - Castle in the Sky, so good!, new fish for the tank, a water hose fight between tony and me {yes we are twelve - i walked outside and all i heard was "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!! and the next thing i knew i was soaked. then i got him good.}, he tried to instigate a tomato fight - a couple went whizzing by my head - but i didn't bite on that one. finally getting to painting the upstairs two-story stairwell - it's a two man job and we have to make one more pass at it but what an unbelievable difference! plus one of the best chicken chili's i have ever made...well the ONLY chicken chili i have ever made!
all in all a great week and an even better weekend to get me out of my friday morning funk.

oh and we are ready for halloween.....

and i am so glad my mom convinced me to plant dahlia's - we have vases of these all over the house!

favorite quotes of the week:

"what are little boys made of? trash packs, skylanders and video games. that's what little boys are made of." ~aydan

"me and my kids, we are going to chase rainbows when we see them." ~cooper after seeing a rainbow in the sky last night on the way to aydan's irish dance.

*********

Also i came across this post by one of my favorite bloggers, Ashley Ann, and i think i am going to play along. It's called Embrace the Camera and it's to get you, whether you are a mom or not, out from behind the camera. monday's prompt was Smiles and tuesday's was Making Memories and today's is Everyday Moment.
i will post mine here throughout this week.
{i will be using my big camera and not the iphone as i don't have my own and will want weekday shots.}

are you going to play along?
are you guilty of being behind the camera too much?

Hello October!! {october goals list.}

Wow October already!!
so i have a confession to make. i have sort of been slaking in the areas of me. of this blog. of my life really. i took the morning today to feel sorry for myself and list all the reason why i am not really worth anything, said them aloud, put them in a box and am moving on. because i am worth something. i am smart, intelligent, funny, kind, caring.....well i could keep going but how much time do you really have? ha! my main goal is to make a shinier happier me at 36 and by Jove I 'm a gonna do it!! {cue fist pump.}

anyways the point is i have been going over this space, my connection with all you out there, the content i want to be in here and personally i think i can do better. that's why i am declaring this a re-dedication to this space. but then i got to thinking - what is this space? it's not like i get paid to do this...i just do it. personally when this all started it was merely a scrapbook for my kids and a way to keep in touch with family out west. then it became a place to put my recipes, to have my favorites at my fingertips. then it became a competition - i never realized how competitive i was till i saw someone doing something better over there and i had to top it. {anything you can do i can do better....} i need more recipes - better recipes! i need more of a theme!! why can't mine look as good as her's over there!! why didn't i think of that first! i need to show more tutorials...but on what?! i used to work in film and manage offices. oh think, jennifer, think!!!!

then it spiraled into a wee - very wee - bout of depression {that actually might be too strong a word....} about it because i was putting in all this time and energy and really getting not much out of it. it all boiled down to $$ and the fact that i could not do this to support my family. but then without this who am i? this went on for a bit and i felt like i had lost touch. so i stepped back. found myself posting now and again about this and that - still in the competition but playing more from the third string then the starting line-up. hey, that's a good way to describe it - i have always felt like third string - never good enough for a staring position but not terrible enough that i am out of the game completely.

i have come to a decision though - i have decided that i don't care about what everyone else is doing {well i do care because you are all wonderful but what you do isn't going to define me anymore. i'm going to be me - whoever that is!} i created this space for my kids. so they can look back and maybe see {after they exit their teens and stop hating me} that they actually did have a cool mom who moved mountains for them and that their childhood was actually pretty awesome.
it may not have been filled with luxury cruises but it was filled with boat loads of love.

okay now that we are done with all the emotional mushy stuff, down to the task at hand: i can't believe it's been so long since i posted a goals list! oh mon dieu! so here we go....this is more of a have to do than a want to do list but again it's for the purpose to hold me accountable. also i have always wanted to do a list with a monster motif!

so there you go!
thanks for the shoulder and for letting me get all that out.
yes i can hear the tiny violins playing and i know that most of my problems are not real problems but for right now they are mine.
and i have to own them.


***also i have decided to launch a small business taking outdoor photo's of families such as yours. if you are interested please drop me a email for info and pricing. thanks!

what would you do?

about a month ago my husband woke me up at midnight and said i better get outside to see if i can help.
i had no idea what was going on. then he told me he smelt smoke and the neighbours were outside with flaslights paniking.
we thought it was about the neighbours on the right side of us. the parents had gone in to town for the allouette's football game and their son decided to have a pool party that could have easily led to a mishap.
it wasn't them.
it was our neighbours to the front - across the street. the gorgeous house that i gaze at everyday through my living room windows. the one that the husband works on tirelessly everyday.

i can't even remember if i had shoes on when i ran outside. {the reason tony sent me is that they are a 100% french family and tony doesn't speak the language so he felt he wouldn't be able to help.}

i ran across the street in what i thought was fog at first - i was still half asleep. it wasn't until my eyes adjusted did i noticed everyone in their light summer pajamas, bare feet, clutching their babies and hearing the panic did i realize it was this house. then the bottom corner of the roof started to spark and flames licked out, taunting us, for all eyes to see. almost like it was laughing at us.

this house had no chance. this house is gone.

we stayed up most the night in watching in awe. i have never been so close to something like this ever. {well once but i had a newborn and tony thought it best i stayed inside so i missed it.} we were also up all night because the command post for the emergency was on our front lawn, in front of our bedroom.

there were two accidents during the ordeal - one fireman fell through the roof, the lower half of his body in active fire, another fireman ran over and tried to pull him out and finally giving him one last push out and they BOTH the fell off the roof together in an embrace. in total three volunteer firemen were sent to the hospital and all came out fine.

as we watched the fire it started to make me think. now i know i am not supposed to make this about me but it does ignite some questions within oneself. what would you do in that situation? i have countless scenarios running through my head but at the end of the day WOULD i be that crazy lady i envision running through the house gathering photo albums and computers as i always thought? would i just panic and chuck my kids out the windows and run out as well?
in the split second you have to decide - what would you do?

they lost everything. i can't even begin to comprehend that. thankfully they are all safe.
that's the most important. i think i just found my answer.

it made me realize one thing though - life IS short. you have to live at all to the fullest and experience the wonderful it all has to bring and hopefully enjoy yourself immensely along the way. enjoy your family {however that looks} and, if you have to work, enjoy what you do to the fullest.

on that note.....



i quit my job.



and i think we just decided to sell our house.....

whatcha ma call it.

phoning it in. dropping the ball. taking a backseat.
however you want to phrase it...that's me lately. i don't know what has gotten into me.

i haven't really taken a picture for a while. i haven't updated my project life in FOREVER. i usually have about 7 to 8 ideas for posts a week for this space and lately it's been blank.
yes i have been doing things around here. the laundry is done. the people are fed. the rooms are kinda clean. dog is walked. bikes are rode. flowers are planted. bills are paid. life is lived.
but my outlet life? dead. slow. riga-mortis.

the garden is in crazy bloom and by this time last year i had filled a memory card documenting all the hard work we had put in the year before. this year? hardly any. guilty.
all of the bulbs that we painstakingly planted last fall popped up with pride and the garden is bursting. gorgeous. so proud!! and thanks to tony getting on it and mowing the lawn it doesn't look as getto as it did last week when i was pouting about it.
but...did i take a picture or two? nope. do i know why? nope.
i have had a lot on my mind.
we do have some big changes going on here and we were occupied with another possibility.
i guess i have been preoccupied.

i don't like it.

i like being to lord over the documenting-every-breath-we-take domain.
taking too many pictures till my computer stops speaking to me.
of writing everything down.
of recipe testing and sharing it with you all.
i'm just so tired for some reason.

i guess i better get my giddy-up on and re-focus.
thanks for the ear.

xo

intentional intentions.

via ali edwards

i love quotes. i think about them all the time. some by some very wise people. some by the not so wise but poignant all the same. a few favorites of mine are - count your blessings. too many irons in the fire. distance makes the heart grow fonder. moment on the lips, lifetimes on the hips. etc.....
you get the idea.
but the one i hate is things happen for a reason. heard that one? the one people always say to you when you are in a crap situation? really? do you think someone or something out there wanted these things to happen to you? and if they/it did - how horrible are they! no one ever says that to you when you get a promotion, find a $20 in your pocket or score awesome concert tickets. never. that one is always reserved for the crappy times, used in situations of consolation. and i hate it. 3 years ago i kept hearing it over and over coming in my direction and i wanted to just scream. but you can't. you have to smile politely and say back "i know - it will be better soon." when what you really want to say is "yeah? seriously? want to change places???!", which they would say no, 100 percent sure of that.

as some of you may have noticed i did not write up a goals list for april.
this was intentional.
i have not fallen off the wagon, lost my will to my "resolutions".

i also know i promised to have only taken a month off from here and give you my full attention again.
this is no mistake.
i need more time. the reason for all this....march was gone in the blink of an eye!
i don't know how to explain it simpler.
it was here and now it's gone and i am not ready.
i am still working on march's goals but also on something else.

i am working living up to the quote up top there. my new favorite. i am working on living to my width and length around here. more time for kids. more time for tony. more time for me. yes there is still documentation going on. yes there is still picture taking. but the rush to get it out in to the world has slowed down.
i have had that quote stuck in my head for weeks now.
it has shown me that it's okay to allow myself to be present. to help me understand that it's okay to focus on one thing and not have too many irons in the fire. that there is no secret tally going on about how much i accomplish in one go. i am not going to receive a report card telling me how awful i am at something and that i don't have the best of that or that i didn't decorate the fastest or greatest around here. this is not a race. that this life has more to it and to live it. to let go of the little things and grab on to the big.

this has also been a time of reflection and some dreams are starting to be grabbed around here. realized.
someones dreams are starting to come to light. fruition.
my dreams.

so for now i am going to work on those dreams, play board games with my kids, live up to that quote and pop back for a chat & a coffee now and again.
i will be telling you about my table soon and how much i loved working with the hand sander.
just not today.

xo

first official day of spring.

this is what we got.
unbelievable isn't it?
you would have no idea that *officially* it was the first day of spring.

i am so over this.

i want to dig in the dirt. plant seeds. rake. transform that last section of earth. review my efforts from last year. rip down the dead tree. get the cedar guys in here. string lights. refinish the patio table. create the fire pit base. enjoy the fresh air.

there are so many things i want to do.......outside!

for now we are waiting for ALL of this to melt.
it's still hanging around like a nasty cough.

today was -6 and has slowly clawed it's way up to -1.
it's not fair.......
{yes, i am going to my room to pout. or eat cake - i haven't decided.}

finding my balance.

i have come to a decision.
a big decision.
i have decide for the month of march to take a step back from this space.

i have been thinking long and hard about this and right now it's for the best.
believe it or not this actually does take up a lot of time.
time that, right now, i need to spend elsewhere.
i have so many projects that i am doing, that i want to do, that i HAVE TO COMPLETE and i am falling further and further behind.
i need to catch up.

i am not going to disappear completely.
i will pop up now and again in the same fashion as a photobomber.
you won't realize it but i will be there in the background - lurking.

i just need this month to get back in the swing of things, sew my ass off and find the balance between home, projects and blog.
i need to re-organize and prioritize.
i need to place my focus somewhere else right now.
i now you understand and i'll see you soon!

xo

catching up.

i was going through the blog here, looking at it in the way someone new here would look, and i noticed it been a while since we have had a bit of a chat.
it's time to do a little catching up.

do you feel like me in that you are burning the candle at both ends? i feel like that so much lately. maybe it's because i have a fire in me that i want to get so many things done in 2013 and i am finding that the days don't hold as many hours as i need and as well my schedule does not yield itself to my wants but whatever it is i feel like i am rushing. rushing through everything. even right now - i am rushing to get THIS done to tell you everything we have been up to so i can move on to the next task. to get the next thing done. I AM EXHAUSTED. i had a friend tell me last night that it's okay to let things go, to say "so what." man, i wish i could do that. i have worried about things for way too long to change my stripes now. i used to agonize over grocery bills at 24. that's me! i just have to learn to manage my time better. but somedays i wish i didn't. some days i just wished it was easy.

i read this article this morning and thought it to be hilarious...and completely true. i have on one or more occasion heard tony say to me that he would love to live in my blog. that it seems such a happy and shiny place. i see it as presenting our best foot forward. who doesn't want to be shiny and happy ALL THE TIME? my theory is is if we project that maybe it will come true....or maybe i am just delusional.....

i do in all this have one person to apologize to. last night, while talking to someone i consider a friend, i offhandedly commented that i really don't have any friends. i have friends but not that many friends. seriously. it's been a year since i have done something socially with a friend that doesn't involve kids. it's okay. i am okay with it. i am not asking for your sympathy vote on dancing with the stars or anything - just trying to keep it real. tony has some theory about this - the fact that i put tim bits on cake stands or something.... ;)
anyways i just want to apologize to her because - even though we have not done much socially - i do consider her a friend and i didn't want to give the wrong impression. there.

i just found out that my clever niece, who graduated high school last year and moved to the big city to become a choreographer, just launched her website! it's pretty cool. she's pretty cool. so exciting to hear of someone following their dreams and getting somewhere with it! she was recently featured in a dance showcase for choreographers and now has this going. good for you jamie!!!

i was going over my list for february and noticing all the holes in there. things i have set out to do this month but have yet to accomplish. goals set by no one but me - goals which i am choosing to ignore.....
want to know something funny? i have had "make living room curtains" on my list for seven months now - never finding the time to cut down my bolt to 4 panels etc. etc. - so this month i finally took it off the list to give it a rest and....I CUT MY FOUR PANELS AND ONE IS COMPLETED! {that's the fabric below which i purchased exactly a year ago!} geez...is that all i had to do?
the goals i have left are the simplest ones and because of that were put off. now the month is coming to an end and they are not done. boo. but i still do have four days......

some exciting news around here is that i have entered in to a small agreement with one of my favorite companies! their product is available in canada; it was for this reason i wanted to join up with them to bring it to you - nothing cool is ever available in canada! it always seems we have to pay ridiculous shipping costs - well not for this. but you have to wait, i'm going to announce it later this week....



also have you seen these videos by everyday food? they are brilliant! i made this one last night for dinner and it was rad. a definite must keep. i totally could have changed it and took credit but i did it as is so i am handing it off....just trying to keep it real here! i have decided to adopt one of my goals from last month {but paired down a little} and cook one new dinner a week.
after just saying that i am attempting this on thursday so i have just shot that out of the water......

today is wacky hair day at school. i am covered in gel, hairspray and spray glitter. you want to know something? i really didn't have to do anything to aydan's hair - it's the craziest when she wakes up that she would have fit right in...i did though cause that wasn't good enough for her - she wanted the transformation!

also the scale told me that i have put on ten pounds this week!! how is that even possible?
that does it - only oatmeal, apples and water for the rest of the week!!
okay, all caught up.
talk soon! {and i promise this time sooner rather than later!}

xx